Dorph the world.

2012-01-24T17:10:00.000-05:00

What do you call an 8°C day at the end of January in the snow belt? Gravy, that's what. Crawled across Queen on the.....st.....streetcar...and sprinted upstairs to squeeze into the 'dex for a rainy rendezvouz with the wind and the waves. The rootbeer rocket's been lonely for over a week! My quads and gastrocnemi have been withering away to the consistency of creme caramel this winter, even with constant Bixiing.

Darted down to the Neville Yard and then down to the beach for a solo sing song of springlike puddleskippin'. Is it still a "puddle" if it's 75 feet long and six inches deep? I dipped a toe.

Docked the rocket and went back out for a run. A run? Running is Pretend Cycling.

"It's Bixiable®™"

2012-01-18T15:23:00.002-05:00

That's just one of the slew of new sloags I've penned for Toronto Bixi. "How long is it from the Canadian Supply Store to St Lawrence Market and back for lunch?" "It's Bixiable®™"

"Can I reach So-Sqwarkto'n from Slubland?"

"It's Bixiable®™"

"Should I take a BIXI home after a night of drinks and leave it on my porch 'til morn'?"

"Un-BIXI-lievable"

Very willing to discuss purchase or trade.

TOUR DE LUNCH:

Unbeeped a black stallion at King and Spadina and backtracked down Wellington to feel a full facial sunsweep across my exposed eyeflesh. Unsure whether it was a TELUS or DESJARDINS ride I was on. Thanks TELUS and DESJARDINS! If I ever need a phone or ? (google this later) I'll keep you in mind.

Up Portland to Queen, pumping the...let's just assume I am always pumping at MaxForce and leave it at that. Every change of the brutal in-hub gears (memories of Black Ops shin-chunking gear failures safe at the front of my thoughts). On one, I am spinning faster than a pinwheel firework. On two, I can barely feel the resistance of a chain on something solid. A mosquito's wing? A feather? The wind? On three there is just enough drive to move the wheel a small amount. Listen I don't expect a BIXI to be full carb with routed cabes and campy digital 21 speed hand-hammered Acrylitichrominium but I'm a white adult male aged 30-45.

I would like my own BIXI.

OK hear me out.

As it stands the BIXI is useful for average humans.

First, I'd ditch the rack. It adds weight and I don't trust it, even though it seems sturdy enough.

Ohh, look how sleek it's getting!

Next, I'd like some drops:

Oh my goodness, such a pretty boy!

Time for the facts: those seats are too big! My glutes get lost in the undulations of so much cushion. I end up riding sidesaddle like a Victorian lady half the time. I'm corkscrewing down into the memory foam, and creating a few memories of my own, nuff said.

Maybe this hand-made Italian leather saddle:

A little higher please.

Wonderful!

In terms of branding, I wonder how much it would cost to selfbrand the BIXI. I'd probably do both sides with a tender, oven-roasted clove-pricked ham seen below.

As for gearing, I would probably drop them all in favour of a 48/17 for winter and a 60/13 for summer.

I await delivery, thanks.

Sweat stopper

2011-09-30T10:47:00.000-04:00

These cool nights are allowing for unsurpassed ham-balancing. I did a sequence last night that could only be described as awe-inspiring. I saw your faces, humans. I saw the awe. It's OK.

Did I mention that I got one of Toronto's notable swarm insects caught under my left contact lens? It buzzed against my cornea. I pinched out the lens and squished the bug into my eye. I picked out legs and wings. It came close to the grossest bike thing that's ever happened to me. For the grossest bike thing that's ever happened to me, highlight the text below:

Going slow up a long hot hill in the summer, I had to swerve around a busted open racoon. Got a good long look at her womb full of fetuses.

Flatbed Trucks and Baby Ducks

2011-09-14T11:33:00.000-04:00

The mornings have been a-hundred-and-ten-per-cent time since the cooldown. Summer haze is too much for The Major to deal with. These fat tires get soft pretty easily and last go 'round I sheared some treadmelt on Front Street and nearly slammed into Mayor Megabus.

Around 8:15 Monday night I heard a thick wallop, silence, then a low moan. Turning around, I saw a skirt, some legs and a bike, horizontal behind a flatbed tow truck. I am guessing this poor woman turned the corner and got stuck behind the truck, which might have been parked too close to the intersection. First on the scene was a local police officer who was patrolling a nearby construction site. A few other helpful citizens were lending hands, so me and Holly Rancher went on our way. I hope you are alright, stranger! From the sounds of your primal screams, I bet you broke a bone.

The closest this guy's come to anything like that was turning into the arse-end of a firetruck last summer. Heads up!

Also, I saw a baby duck.

FINALLY

2011-07-19T10:01:00.002-04:00

SOME RECOGNITION

Amazing changes

2011-07-06T11:01:00.000-04:00

Really looking forward to the next few weeks as people are killed by the new stop signs on the waterfront trail. Great job city!

DISBELIEF. STUNNING AMOUNTS OF DISBELIEF.

Hey D, what kind of music do you listen to when you are darting around?

2011-07-06T09:54:00.000-04:00

Battles - Gloss Drop
Marnie Stern – This Is It and I Am It and You Are It and So Is That and He Is It and She Is It and It Is It and That Is That
Marnie Stern – Marnie Stern
Bon Iver – Bon Iver
Global Bagpipes
DD/MM/YYYY - Black Square

So much to report

2011-06-27T10:41:00.000-04:00

Just finished a two-week intensive trail-scrape on the rootbeer rocket.

Sat in the store unsold for a few years until I spotted its hefty lugs and drops singing a siren song in the rack. Now a week later I need a shorter goose neck to soothe my strung-out shoulder blades and the bottom bracket might be dying already. I would not expect any bottom bracket to withstand a single punishing hammer drop, so kudos are due, not complaints. I'll ride it 'til the bearings buzz louder than summer bees, then replace, wipe hands in a "DONE" motion.

Goodbye old back-up friend

2011-05-05T11:41:00.002-04:00

BLACK OPS DOWN: I pedal forward and the back cassette goes CRUNCH and now it is a NO SPEED.

Goodbye old friend

2011-03-23T09:52:00.000-04:00

Leslie Spit Duo

2011-03-21T13:55:00.000-04:00

These h'ams.

Ice floes and big toes

2011-03-07T11:57:00.000-05:00

Forgot it was the Toronto Bike Show this weekend. Gnashing my hams around the CNE grounds while people flooded out of the showroom with new bikes and accessories. "These are my people" I thought, but then thought "What a bunch of dorks" but then thought "am I so dorky?" and then thought "I am probably more dorky by factors of ten."

Unstable weather had dumped a ton of snow during the night, and it was all slushed out by morning. Started warm and dry, but the spatterings built up to insane levels. After an hour I was pushing puddles, not pedals. Clouds loomed and I blasted out some next level sprints as the pooling started 'round the sacroiliacs. Then a cool down period proved too cool, too fast. "Hometime" I growled. I reached back and felt a sheet of ice pressing against my bare skin, in the tramp stamp area.

Still mildly off muscular balance from intense go kart action Friday evening, I favoured the left and spun home. Dumped a filthy spandex mess into the washer and dug an ice cube out from under my big toenail. TMI? N. NEI. A few minutes later I was wrapped in cashmere and napping in the sun.

Warm days and asphalt sprays

2011-02-18T10:33:00.000-05:00

Chilled from a long dark winter, our hero emerges from the dorphcave full of meat and good intentions. Melted the pavement around the CNE for a while, limped home all loose and soaking. Everything was great until I slipped on a loose patch of road and slid down the alley on my ribcage. Warm nights and streetlights turned to ice packs on my sacroiliacs.

Indoor humming and air drumming

2010-12-01T10:42:00.000-05:00

So I'm inside now and so far I don't mind the change. Traded the feeling of wind whipping up my trunks for the reality of getting off the bed and onto bike in one charleston step. Still wouldn't mind an industrial fan blowing at my face, will see what the local movie supply shop has on offer. How much are leaf blowers and how quiet are they? I haven't been around one since a teen from my peer group blew poison ivy in my face with one in 1997. I assume they have gotten cheaper and much quieter since then and would not even be a small issue at 7am indoors in my apartment high rise for one hour. I assume all of this.

Time to blast 800 IU of Vitamin-D caps and eat a dried apricot.

Weird weather

2010-11-19T09:41:00.000-05:00

Seems to be getting colder and colder like the Earth is dying. Anyone else notice this phenom? Ice crystals on my lungs bullied my average speed down to the tweens.

What kind of tip-toeing pleasure cruise is this junk?

Note to Legs:

2010-10-08T20:19:00.000-04:00

You did great today.

Launched the raunch out of the Dorph Cave and cranked out a few to the lights at Richmond and Bathurst. In about a split second I was squirming down B with a S up my A. A wafer-thin ray of October sun lay on my face for what seemed like a second and I cracked a grin.

Bathurst to Strachan on King was slow then quick. Tiny indirect left turn at Strachan and I was gachan. Inflated two lungs and pushed O-bubbles straight to the fast-twitch. "Here, Leg" I said "give thanks" and I pushed him down over and over but he wouldn't stay down. "Guys this ain't a brawl" I soothed.

Tough.

2010-10-01T21:24:00.000-04:00

Year.

Protip

2010-09-20T14:13:00.000-04:00

Crush a full-body beef BBQ up and down the city, then eat a single starburst fruit chew. You've never tasted sugar until your body is screaming for it. You can feel every molecule sprinting to your meat centres.

Listen

2010-09-15T10:33:00.000-04:00

I am not trying to play down the size of my quads and delts, because that would be an insult to you. It is a pretty humbling experience, however, to be maximizing every last strand of muscle to the limit, and be passed by a sinewy human/horse hybrid who's wearing a backpack of real bricks. I could not even begin the process of ramping up this bulk to keep him in sight. His legs would not stop.

Next thing I know I'm down a quart and losing steam. Mister Bricks is skipping up a hill.

also: Holy moly: QUEEN'S PARK GRAND PRIX.

6am - 8:15am

2010-09-10T09:53:00.000-04:00

MAP

So delightful.

Throw your Childish Fears over the Blurred Railing of the Pain Frigate

2010-08-25T11:42:00.000-04:00

Things people have yelled at me in the last two weeks:

"Look, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger"

- pedestrian

"Look at that calf"

- Caribana tourist

"Oh my god, what kind of cop is that???"

- teenaged boy to his BMXing friends

And one old quote:

"FUCK, you are fat and fucking UGLY"

– Adam Copeland, yelled from a pick-up truck about twenty years ago. He is now WWE wrestling has-been named "Edge" or sometimes "Sexton Hardcastle"

Plucking Acceleration Flies with Pork-chopsticks

2010-08-21T16:37:00.000-04:00

Loose as a garden goose this morning. A lot of pros get massages but not this pro. I massage myself and I am good at it. I get all the nooks, trust me and enough said. Grey skies at nine, bicycles dine – on evenly-heated paths and road surfaces. And you can shut down the entire shadow-navigation department of your brain and work on the others. But Grey skies at eleven, for Dorph: not heaven. Cooled down and I had to burn a few cals to get back up to cruising temperature. The sun is a good tool for this, but in a pinch, intestinal fortitude will work.

NEW PERSONAL BEST: found a gear above "VULGAR", just for half a second. Frightened a double-crested cormorant with my double-lung grunts

100 posts.

2010-08-15T14:02:00.000-04:00

Haven't updated in a while. Hard to type when your hands have ice gel packs duct taped to the front and back. Hands are roasted and pickled by my own effort-gravy and the water I spray on them to keep them from exploding. Face red like molten metal, fumes and steam sizzling off my eyelids and ears. Yesterday, the sun and I got up and I cranked an easy 13x5km cross-city pump jam. Seven sprints and a few climbs, all at maximum intensity. Core temperature was probably around 110 or 115 degrees.

Today I tried to crank a jazzy Don Valley/Waterfront/Humber Valley "Half Pipe" but gave up after being on crowded paths for four hours. Serves me right for wanting to breath something other than tailpipes on a city ride. Did get a high five from a three year old, so no harm done there.

2010-08-09T19:17:00.000-04:00

Castelli Does it

2010-08-07T15:32:00.000-04:00

These Castellis are giving me a ten-finger hogan.

Teardowns and staredowns

2010-07-17T01:13:00.000-04:00

Chocked the 'balt and dismantled the rear hanger. Thing's twisted like hell and won't hold the pulleys in a straight line. Took everything off the back gears and hauled on it with pliers. Probably made it worse. At the very least I cleaned the filth from the pulleys and soaked my chain. An hour on blocks and I had a functioning bike. Lost a few high gears from the bent titanium hanger arm but I made do, where do equals do ten thousand bike-mounted leg squats in a row on the almost empty streets. Out Danforth way to Vic Park, down to Eastern Ave and right across Richmond.

Chain broke just before the viaduct on Bloor. Had not reinstalled it perfectly and it snapped like a twig under some pretty devastating legwork. A few minutes with my pocket multitool and the chain was two links shorter. It sounded a perfect A440 when struck with a xylophone mallet. Hands dark black from chain massage.

Two things:

To the guy who shot a rubber band at the small of my back at College and Palmerston: I hate you.

To the Richmond club trash: Sorry for trying to grab your cigarette from your hand but it was 18 inches out the car window. C'mon Kevin, get it together. I hope your hand didn't get burned.

French Kiss The Sun

2010-07-09T09:51:00.001-04:00

Caught a sweet hunk of that brutally hot day yesterday bikewise. Think I shifted all the water in my system out my pores and in via water bottles x 4. Got a little heavy-headed a few times but I just took some deep lungfuls of crystal clean downtown Toronto air and headaches disappear. I like the air in Toronto. Really aggravates your blood.

Black Ops is in the shop because some dictator-level asshole bent my back wheel with his car or something. Due to the complex geometry of the Jamis Commuter 3.0 Aluminum Frame, the drops are being shaved down to accept a thicker axle. Hopefully by Tuesday I will be riding a tricked-out spinner with LEDs. Black Ops was looking a little amateur next to the tight kerns and sweet lugs of some of the new bikes in the shop, but will be nursed back to health before any relationship changes are considered.

Ultegras are massively misaligned. Need watchmakers toolkit. Which lathe should I get?

Like the bard says:

2010-06-22T17:24:00.000-04:00

THE PRICE
Wind like to hurt folks with his power (with his power)
The wind has power that you don't know
When you have power you will know it (you will know)
You use that power on wind, on friend
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

[CHORUS]
Nobody's paid the price like you have paid the price
You've paid the price twice
I know there's a lot more price to go
Yes there is much more price

You've never paid the price like I have paid the price
I've paid the price thrice
Huge sum, there's a lot more price to come
Yes there is much more price to come
Price!

[STANZA]
Some violence is good for morning (good for morning)
The sun will come up just so it sees
When it is morning you will know it (you will know)
It looks at you wherever you'll be
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (fuck)

[CHORUS]
Nobody's paid the price like I have paid the price
I've paid the price twice
You know there's a lot more price to go
Yes there is much more price

I've never paid the price like you have paid the price
You've paid the price thrice
High sum, there's a lot more price to come
Yes there is much more price to come
To go, to come, go!

[BRIDGE]
And just when you thought that your chips were down
We've got Bryan Adams on the phone
It's Bryan Adams on the phone
Bryan Adams on the phone, it's Bryan Adams on the phone, it's Bryan Adams on the phone, it's Bryan Adams
And just when you thought your vein would burst
It's a call for you, the phone, it's-
Bryan Adams on the phone
Bryan Adams on the phone, it's Bryan Adams on the phone, it's Bryan Adams on the phone, it's Bryan Adams
Now!

[STANZA]
Death like to hurt friends with his power (with his power)
The mouse and sand ran out to escape*
They told the old clock they will know it (you will know)*
Despite the price, it's special today

[CHORUS]
Somebody's changed the price since you last paid the price
The price is not the same
And I blame all of the price that's left to go
All of the price that's left to pay

Somebody's raised the price since you last paid the price
The price was raised today
And I say take price with all your violent might
Crash price into the earth

[OUTRO]
Ooh-ooh-ooh...

Visiting the perma-dorphed children of my brother

2010-06-20T17:20:00.009-04:00

Yesterday

MAP LINK
INCOMPLETE.
For the first time ever, old Dorph threw in the towel and called the assist van. There are plenty of sun-dappled rural routes I could have used, but instead I used the highway and baked my own head like a Christmas turkey. Called in the van around 8th
line of Adjala - (80 km) and dandyhorsed til the 2nd line. Ditched it and lay under a tree for a while, then the van came with a mars bar and salt drinks.

The little ones showed me what a "snakebite" was on my sunburnt arms. Listen, I WAS wearing sunblock. Learned a lesson re: reapplication, ok? Drop it.

They grabbed my strained wrists and pulled my fingers and lay on their backs over my blasted shoulders, punching me in the face. They grabbed my glasses and threw them behind furniture. They locked me out of the house five times. They called me "dainty" more than once. They yelled my name every five seconds for four hours. They screamed in both my ears and made me temporarily deaf. They locked themselves around the swollen hams and refused, just refused to get off until I walked around. We ate. They threw food at me, staining my clothes. I fell asleep during Barbies and she planned a surprise face scream with he. It melted my inner ear to pudding and sent me from sleep straight to fight/flight in world record time. They laughed and ran away.

Today

MAP LINK

I am made of boulders.

Hunks of Tar and Chunks of Car

2010-06-18T10:06:00.000-04:00

I got a letter from the government the other day, opened it and read it, it said I owed then $5,000 for road repairs from last night.

I am fine with six days of crushing it up the cliffs resulting in two hours of the most furious hurt-putting ever cadenced. Left around 8:30 and rode West. Pretty cool when you're riding faster than the sun is setting so it actually gets brighter.

Anyway ended up here of course, did some heavy up'n'downs, then burned a matrix-styled slow motion pressure wave vortex of sweat over to Queen and Stabyouforlookingatmewrong Crescent and back.

Morning pains and some more rains.

2010-06-04T07:44:00.001-04:00

Woke up with an empty advil bottle in my hand and stinking of Rub
A535. Don't know how I got here. It is pouring rain and i tried to do
that "don't like the weather - wait five minutes" thing but it's been
ten minutes. Oh well. Won't let it dampen my "spirits."
My hams are overcooked. Today I will focus on being down in full-tuck
to save energy.

If the weather clears up, I'll go on a whale hunt.

Smokey tales and guardrails

2010-06-03T15:05:00.000-04:00

The route I rode today is heretofor known as "Tour D'Dorph". Here are the details:

Go up Smokey the hard way (from the East) until you reach the top. Don't know what the record is timewise, but I did it in 24 minutes ad I can prove it.

I strapped my camera to my handlebars pointed it at my face and recorded myself going up this in san e mountain. Just watched it. 30 minutes long and totally crazy. I turn from a beige sightseer to a beet red panting machine with a STEAming faCe.

Don't get all technical with the numbers. 24 minutes from the bottom of the climb, nerds.

When you get to the top, relax on the 7km descent. When you hit the castle rock inn, turn around and go back up the 7km. Should feel like bread and butter compared to tHe East Smokey Burm of Intensity.

Get to the top and peer off the cliff you just climbed twice and nod your head a few times, if you're showy like that. Now take the 7km downhill again. Since you are familiar now with it, I expect your line will be perfect and your arcs well-balanced. Pass the castle rock inn and go straight down to the water. Now climb back up to the castle rock a you're done, probably saying "again please."

Don't do it Again, have a nap if you want. Eat a toffee.

Cape Smokey climb

2010-06-03T14:37:00.001-04:00

That thing? It was like a speed bump in a back alley. Those tiny ones. Next.

Hams for the hams, ma'am

2010-06-03T13:30:00.001-04:00

Rolled out of baddeck in heavy drizz that soon became horzontal sting
rain but I'm getting aheAd of myself. Loaded up on ham for the hams
and eggs for the legs then locked in for a ride I shan't forget.

Out of baddeck is uphill. It's at sea level so no guff there. The
winds were from the north at around 40km/hr. That plus my speed means
gale force winds on my face. No problem I said out loud to the sea.
The sea responded oh yeH? Here's. Wind factor. Whipped my temples And
got pretty intense for a few minutes. The cAuseway after the
Englishtown ferry was the most intense riding I've done to date.
Exposed to the sea on both sides down a long stretch of road, wind
whipping at random intervals, rain pelting my everything. Good news is
I brought rain gear because I'm not a child. I was comfortable. Out of
the causeway and up a hill and everything calmed down. The rain slowly
stopped and pretty soon I was on dry road. Then I saw my hotel. Forget
this I said and stepped on the gas. Did a quick preview of the next
10km before heading back. Saw. Cape. Smokey. Insane. Can't. Wait. To
get. Up. That. Hill. (edit: that was not Cape Smokey, dunce)

Back to the B&B and was inserted into The African Room. Perfect.
Tomorrow is smokey day so I'd better eat this fish.

Ben

Christmas Eve

2010-06-01T20:00:00.000-04:00

Powerchonked the finest of Eastern seameals then walked back to my seafoam cottage in the drizz.

Tomorrow I get to bike.

Email to blog test

2010-06-01T19:19:00.000-04:00

This is a test.

Lobster eyes, pizzapies and cloudy skies

2010-06-01T12:13:00.000-04:00

In Sydney NS. Emergency bike repair done in a snap at great bike store here. Can't remember the name, but these guys know what's what. First they commended me for tackling the Trunk 30 counter clockwise but when I told them my six day route, they burst into chides. "children do it in three without breaking a sweat, city fool" they implied. No matter.

Blogspot + iPhone = horrible. Will post more those eve.

Did I sprain my right quad-tendon?

2010-05-28T09:38:00.002-04:00

Iced it thrice and kissed it.

Horse hocks and good talks

2010-05-27T10:45:00.000-04:00

Resting my pony hips for Saturday.

Recumbent=luge. This thing=skeleton.

2010-05-24T15:10:00.000-04:00

via Bike Snob NYC

Hello cyclemeter

2010-05-20T17:34:00.000-04:00

http://twitter.com/dorphtheworld

Rest day.

2010-05-19T22:48:00.000-04:00

Out the door at around 8 and started reheating the ham. Some hot shots were already juicy and buzzed past me sending a clear competitive signal, but I centred my gravity and continued slowly greasing the pistons. Couldn't bear the thought of how insanely packed the lakeroutes definitely were, so I stayed downtown. By the time D got to the Fort York Yank I was just beginning to break some beads. The tiny ropes of muscle were getting nice and loose, then they in turn got to work on the bulkmeat. After the widest and most perfect arc in months down on to Lakeshore, I decided to jet south and see just how many Queens Quay Quick-nots were rumbling down the Lakeview Limp. Turns out the answer is a thousand and I was right.

Until.

Caught a whiff of a sportsm'n at my flank and he gently nudged up to passing speed and released the jets like a damned ferrari. He was a dot in seconds and I knew this was my olympics.

Checked my B-spot. Curved out into my lane and thumbed a good four gear advantage: hamhunks. Pointed my toes like a ballerino, diverted all muscle blood to the lower core and sunday roasts and lay a strip of kevlar on the road in front of the music garden one inch wide and twenty metres long.

Caught up to him instantly and used him as a pace bike until the guvunmunt dance club. I love using a pacer. Number one: drafting. Never believed in it until I chased a jockey down road same once. He was tucked and pumping and I was behind him wearing nothing but a smile. I was inside his wind curtain and barely needed to pedal.

Number two: they choose a line. If they are good at lines, they will lead you safely through the tourists and chunked out road holes like a smooth silken carpet.

Anyway, he turns up into one of those horrible ways to get from the lake to the downtown core and I play cheetah down to Jarv and up through the olde town.

The rest was the usual bangers and mash.

NOTES

Saw a lot of people on brand new bikes. Great first step Cathy Coma and Jason Jinxed, but check out your local helmet and lights boutique for some pretty cool looking ways to not get your head worked like a lump of clay on a pottery wheel every time you dump it balancing a paper LCBO bag on your smooth steel handlebars dropped sub-forksplit.

I never get angry on a bike - I am too busy thinking how much I love it. Later though, when I replay the lines, arcs and overall smoothness of the ride, I can't help but stumble over memories of how much I had to take you into account for being like a toddler on the big boy swing.

I apologize to the young lady who I passed on Dundas. Egged by your man friend, I passed you a little too closely. I was in high testosterone reflux and was therefore highly susceptible to challenges and suggestions that I go faster immediately.

I should have taken him to task for calling you a "noobie" and for showing off like he thought he was doing. "I'll show him showing off" I thought, then I did, and I bear the shame of it.

Now I'm splayed out listening to a forest sounds mp3 and thinking about hitting the threadcount.

I'm a truck out there.

Cabot Trail = Trunk 30

2010-05-19T13:36:00.000-04:00

"The road is internally referred to by the Department of Transportation and Public Works as Trunk 30." - wikipedia

Such a rad name and what I'm calling it from now on.

I am just going to put this here.

2010-05-18T17:17:00.002-04:00

http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-q/2010/05/i-survived-a-ride-with-the-bike-snob.html

Reliable sources and powerful forces

2010-05-16T23:19:00.000-04:00

I have been informed that there are secret races.

Secret FOOT DOWN competitions.

I want in and I want in bad.

Dear every neighbour I have

2010-05-16T19:15:00.000-04:00

Why, for the sweet love of all that you hold close to your heart, can you not urinate on the side of the toilet bowl, where silence lives?

FFFFF, F to F

2010-05-16T19:11:00.000-04:00

Cross "Front to Finch" off the Bucket List. Went West for a while then rolled back downtown. Never take Dufferin South into the city. Dorph found himself waiting on a 401 ramp for 22 minutes until a safe gap opened up to get out of there asap. Nuts. Didn't feel like biking down Allan Road with the people in cars who think they are hard because their right foot can push a plastic knob on the floor than lets gas into an engine. Bravo.

A butterfly kept pace with me up some of those hills on yonge. Kills me to take it easy on the upslopes, but this Cabot Trail adventure isn't an awesome sprint, it's a leisure cruise. I hear the climbs on CT are like puffs of jasmine scented chamomile clouds.

Full Route

Got home and ate a half a chicken and a bowl of stewed vegetables, then some assorted dips and vegetables, an apple and three clementines.

Sat around for a while and then went out for another 25 km on Black Ops.

Nothin' but a sunny Sunday.

Would love to race and beat this guy

2010-05-16T00:30:00.000-04:00

via CWMD

Giant Contact Ergo bar ends

2010-05-15T20:40:00.001-04:00

I am a convert. Leaning on these sweet rubbers is like putting your hands on the head of a newborn baby.

Off day training-wise. Just a quick Black Ops tour around the streets'n'alleys (4 hours). Stopped at the marina and a small bird landed on my saddle for a while. Rain held off long enough to work up a foam hammering the new blacktop up Church St after a lamb sandwich with the tourists down at the distillery. Saw some girls segging pretty hard on segways. Looked like a laugh.

South from Beechwood down the Lower Don trail and it was all chirp chirp (birds) and the river sounds. Don't know about riding through parks and on trails and such. My core temp drops too low for any real red zone action. Tires hit Eastern Ave and I was up on tip toes running in the air happily again.

Have never seen a single speed conversion that used one of these before today. Pretty awesome. Was on an orange racer with blue bar tape and white saddle. One of the raddest bikes I've seen on the streets.

Dorph weighs in

2010-05-15T08:44:00.000-04:00

Ha, no not like that. People have been asking me to weigh in on the issue of fixed gear bikes so I'm going to.

Listen, I think it's a pretty cool idea to have one hard gear. Black Ops is one gear (76.2 GI). I think everyone should ride single speed. What to do with these Hybrids relaxing on their 18-speed upright steel office chairs with a for handlebars coasting at four kilometres an hour? That's right. If you buy a "hybrid" you are a "Hybrid." And don't go saying C-lux is a hybrid. It is a road bike with straight bars. That's it. It's not a commuter frame with disc brakes and a wicker basket.

Black Ops used to have installed a Shimano Nexus 8 speed internal gear hub. Due to the nightmares and shredded anklebones from that balsa-wood dollhouse of a drivetrain, I don't go back to that dark time. No offence shimano, I should have done my homework. It's a great product, but one meant for a 75 lb lady lawyer, not Dorph. I hear the more expensive ones are better and the newer ones have ah forget it: internal hub gears are for babies.

Anyway where was I oh right. Fixies. First, go faster. Because most of you are not pros, your gear ratio is so tiny. This means explosive quickstarts from the lights (to impress a lady?) but you are unable to spin your scrawny legs fast enough to get any serious speed. Now I am behind you, because with my bigger GR, I don't have (such) an explosive start, but when I catch up to you, I am bored instantly of your shuffling pace and blurry legs akimbo. If you had a brake and a bigger front cog, I could go faster. At least you are faster than e-bikes - the impassable sloths of the bike lane.

But Dorph - a brake has nothing to do with going faster! A brake slows you down!

Calm down. The brake is there for something called "safety." All top pros wear helmets and have brakes. Guess why? Because if they fell off going their normal speed, it would whip their brainwhites to stiff peaks. So get a brake and a helmet. I know they don't wear helmets in Copenhagen. Well Copenhagen doesn't have streetcar system designed by a WWI trenchmaster.

Have I ever told all of y'all about the time long ago when I was biking helmetless to work (old Norco Yorkville) with a coffee in one hand? A bus pulled out and sandwiched me between it's fat side and the Adelaide St tracks. Slowly it pushed me closer to the groove. I braked and hit the trackhole, stepped off with my right foot and swung out to a standing position, coffee still in hand. The Norkville went flying into the gutter and I jammed all ten toes into the front of my shoe, spraining two. Coffee didn't spill. Someone saw it and marvelled. Helmetless biking while carrying a coffee cup is the stupidest thing ever, removing you entirely from the order of legitimate human beings on any road.

FIVE HOURS LATER

Dropped everything and went riding because a particle of pure sunlight hit my neck.

It's so easy for me

2010-05-12T21:02:00.004-04:00

Just popped up to Bathurst and Funch for a little NINE-OH-field trip. Then across to Yonge and down to College and home. I say 'down' Yonge street, if you think 'down' means every single Torontonian staring at a grunting blur who is for some reason pedalling full-hammed down a long sweet slope.

Now I'm eating some scrambled eggs, which you think you've had before in your life, but you haven't, until you've eaten Dorph's. My method is adapted from Kenny Shopsin's egg salad recipe. Side order of sandwiches and here's dinner.

Public apology to the Confused Kevin to whom I may have uttered some harsh curse phrases. He who didn't know which way 'get out of the way' was. He signalled falsly once (arc disrupted severely, recovered) then again (instant skepticism: you just cried wolf). Confident and assured he would never ever turn right again in his blonde life, I ignored the stuck indicator. It was indicating false hopes. Third time was the one for Timid Tony and he groaned to the side of his lane and flopped across mine like a disruptive, passive aggressive child. Tenderly, tenderly he advanced into the turn, slower, ever slower still until I was forced to touch my brake lever and my Frustrations manifested in and were expressed through powerful adjective work. Sorry guy, but let's get it together next time. Get a Tim Tam GPS unit at Radio Shack for ten bucks and follow the voice, Samuel Duh Champagne. Over it.

Didn't even notice the back rack, until a ninety year old lady at Yonge and Finch said "nice picnic rack, Dainty. Where's your three-piece Tweed riding suit and mother-of-pearl pant-cufflinks? Where's your jodphurs?" She was right. Routed the shame through the Dorph factory and converted it to sugar for the twins. Between massive strokes Beef Mountain and Thunder Ham dosed themselves to the eyeballs on my shame sugars.

Up and back in 2 hours.

Time to play guitar for a few hours. A friend might start a blog soon. His name is Chops and he loves to rock his chops on guitar. He has taught me everything I know. I'm no him: he's AMAZING.

Sorry baby

2010-05-12T11:16:00.002-04:00

It's only for a few weeks. I promise I'll take it off after the CT-trip. I know you don't like it, but I need to be able to carry my stuff, and you don't want me wearing a backpack do you? You carry the bags for me, and I'll be free to pulverize the road non-stop.

C-Lux doesn't like the pannier rack. It's like putting a dog in a headcone.

IT IS QUIET AS MIDNIGHT IN MY MIND. THE READYING COMMENCES NOW.

2010-05-10T14:11:00.001-04:00

Dear Dorph,

Thank you very much for your recent reservation on our Custom Self- Supported Adventure on the Cabot Trail, June 1st to the 7th, 2010.

This message is to confirm your reservation.

Fort York Yank

2010-05-10T13:43:00.000-04:00

June 1 to June 7

2010-05-10T11:35:00.003-04:00

Awaiting confirmation of Dorph's Cabot Trail Leisure Cruise. Seven days, 225 km of easy climbs and breezy whalewatching. Stay tuned. I hear the Cabot Trail is a stroll in the park.

From bike path to bike "B"ath

2010-05-09T22:26:00.003-04:00

Breaking News:
Important Fork York bike path flooded from recent storms. Local cyclist hydroplanes ten feet at top speed and powers out of the sludge at maxforce.

WHOAH.

2010-05-09T22:18:00.002-04:00

Where am I?? facehunter.com??? What is with all the pics of pretty ladies?

Cobalt Lux

2010-05-09T22:14:00.004-04:00

Black Ops

2010-05-09T22:11:00.000-04:00

Fixed Gear Blog: Vintage Tricks

2010-05-04T12:00:00.000-04:00

Fixed Gear Blog: Vintage Tricks

I can do all this.

Style-biter

2010-05-03T11:25:00.001-04:00

http://www.futilitycloset.com/2010/05/03/what-4/

Dressed down for a pleasure ride.

2010-05-02T20:46:00.002-04:00

The raindrops were begging me to dance between them as I dressed for the day. Even though my nasty-sick microfibres were cleaned and stacked neatly ready to go, I decided to go out dressed like a civilian. Only one layer of sweat-wicking fabric as a base layer. Layer two was a regular un-scientific shirt. Still shoehorned the spandex up over the twin leg-peaks of Beef Mountain and Thunder Ham, but wore some cut-off denim short shorts over top.

Best street to bike on: Bay from bloor north. Horrible moguls and sharp divots are everywhere. The bike lane has been rubbled over by some earth smashing device. Craters and pitfalls everywhere. Luckily most of the cars are huge black yachts that rarely go over 10 km/hr or we'd all be dead.

I love picking lines and absorbing shocks so it is no big deal for me, but how many spines must I witness being jarred?

You need a pick-me-up?

2010-05-02T12:33:00.003-04:00

Try realizing you're wearing the shirt you saved because it's the biggest one you ever needed to own. And it was the one you yanked out of the closet to clean your muddy bikes. Also try laughing to yourself because wearing that shirt feels like you are poking your head out of the centre hole of a parachute. You should try it!

Pretty safe to say

2010-05-01T13:32:00.004-04:00

that was the most serious ride I've ever been on. Feels like I'm wearing a suit of armor of muscles. Every muscle cell in my body is cheering like they just won a gold medal. Yes EVERY cell is cheering like they just won an olympic GOLD MEDAL in one of the good olympic sports (NOT for the fake olympic sports listed here: all team sports, relays, target shooting, entire winter games - can you think of any more? email me @ dorphtheworld@gmail.com).

Mapping it now - hit refresh until you see it. guaranteed wait time of six to ten hours but keep hitting REFRESH on your browser (usually up top).

Mad UNPROPS to the google map pedometer that will not save the map I just drew on it. It is on trails.com. PLEASE FIX IT TRAILS.COM IF YOU SEE THIS. Managed to get some screencaps so not a total waste of time - just 95 per cent a waste of time PLEASE FIX IT TRAILS.COM - TRYING TO BE NICE. Over it.

Aw look he went on a little downtown sight-see, how especially preciously sweet of his little cotton socks.

Wait what does that say down there?

down

<--------here?

Zoom Out.

It Says Forty Seven Point Two Two Five Kilometers.

3.5 Hours. 25% In The Rain. average speed of 13.5 km/hr or 8.5 mph which is slow and horrible.

West on Kingston Road and then East on Danforth was like they paved the earth with cream. Are all roads in the East so smooth?

The Cherry Beach multi-use path was being multi-used by all kinds of people with casual intentions, so I slammed it back to the road to join the traffic. Time swirled in muscular cartwheels for who knows how long? Ask the dust.

Hitting the showers. BBIAB.

S P E C I A L S H O U T O U T T O M Y R S S F E E D S U B SC R I B E R S .

Oh what the...

2010-04-28T23:16:00.003-04:00

Test Rides and "Oh My"s

2010-04-28T20:27:00.002-04:00

no more caps - dorph smashed his pinky finger with a wrench and can't put any pressure on it. gotta e.e. cummings it for a few days (sorry people who like e.e. cummings). Anyway, did some lazy laps downtown testing and finessing (finesting?) my hold fast retention system (heretofore known as 'the straps' but they are so much more) and picked up a pair of bronze snafu anorexics (heretofore known as 'snafus' because what a horrible name for a model of bicycle pedals. c'mon).

Removed the screw in traction nubs from the foot plate. Some work with double buckles and nylon straps – not a fan with my fingernails. Managed to strap it, clip it, slap it and snip it in mere minutes. Melt the ends down and that's it. Just remove your two year old pedals you biked in all winter and you are ready to enjoy your new pedals. Did I mention that each pedal has silky bearings hidden deep in his golden-bronze precision-milled throat and each rotation is like the inside of an almond when you bite it cleanly in half and run your tongue along the smooth surface and...and...and...anyway yeah so just take those old messed-up scraped-out razor sharp wad of aluminum wool you've been stomping on for the last seven months and gently loosen them.

cue the allen wrench slipping out of the janked excuse for a nuthole on those old peds. Hand came down hard on the framepipe and bang. Hooted like a sandpiper for minutes and minutes.

Later

Hold Fast + SNAFU = Ridick

2010-04-28T13:52:00.003-04:00

Took possession of my all black Hold Fast Foot Retention System this morning. Screamed at everyone I looked at until I was allowed to leave and install them. Got my way and biked to Cyclemotive with the straps held over my head. Smashed the door down and hollered "I NEED SOME PLATFORMS!" Three dudes drooling immediately over some fine nylon was a treat. Picked some pretty ballin' peds and I was out the door with speed lines. Went home and crammed an almond butter sandwich down my fuel hole and got to strapping. One unfortunate bashing of pinky fingernail later I was strapping my feet into a nylon and velcro speed cave, tiny sharp pedal nubs tearing through my ancient sneaker soles. Put the searing pinky-pain on hold for a bit to do some testing. Amazing. Super heavy duty.

Lessons learned/stomachs churned

2010-04-19T19:50:00.002-04:00

If only there were cameras. Where is the unbroken web of surveilance promised me by George Orwell?

Where where you? You should have been busting a rhythmic slam poem at the moment I carved into Queen Street at sundown.

Hopefully the streetcars don’t jump the official track and take a cruise in the new on I made, ’cause they’re all gonna end up at my house.

Get your 1:28 face on

2010-04-18T21:45:00.001-04:00

What I did all weekend

Cobalt Nights

2010-04-17T09:29:00.004-04:00

Maybe you were out strolling last night and all of a sudden you heard a whoosh, turning a bit too late to catch any detail in the taut face of me, gearing up AGAIN and stomping my clips to iron filings down University Avenue at max speed.

Hello, Tour de Lunch

2010-04-15T00:53:00.002-04:00

Welcome back Black Ops to the team of prized ponies. Some adjustments in the handlebarring and a chain shunt was all I needed to get it squared away.

Instead of chowing down on a mountain of food at lunch, I allen keyed the blast radius of my grip zone and took some test spins around the fashion district. Pretty soon my whole musculature was engaged in the fastest popping and locking ever done perched on a memory foam deep-groove gel saddle. Checked out a sandwich and everything was all better.

Coming soon: Reports from the real bike. Here are some key words: ULTEGRA. MAVIC. DIALED IN, COBALT LUX, NEW ERA IN URBAN-UNDERGROUND MISCHIEF STREETRACING BEGINS.

You think you can beat me? I'll race you. All of you.

Been a while

2010-01-08T22:54:00.002-05:00

Hey I'm back with big news for Dorph fans: I moved to a place 400 metres from work and I can hear you thinking "hey - his times must be down to 20 or 30 seconds." No such luck my fans, I am hoofing it these days. In fact my commute time is longer now than my slowest old route time. Eight minutes from door to door.

2010-01-08T22:53:00.001-05:00

2010-01-05T16:29:00.001-05:00

Had a report ready but

2009-07-29T09:19:00.003-04:00

I just got caught in the best rain ever. Didn't rain for the whole 'mute, and then walking the 1/4 block to the front door to the office: The rain dumped on me, just once. I took the initial wave of a downpour so mighty I stepped in and turned and marveled. I have never before been so instantaneously confused by a weather event. My upperhams are soaked and puddling, but my shins are completely dry.

I was in the middle of taking the dorphcrown off and it started. And it felt like My Hams Engaging.

?:??:?? - Languid Lanes and Easy Breezes

2009-07-15T09:22:00.003-04:00

Strutted out of the house like a hippie in slow motion and leaned on the garage door for a bit and daydreamed. Whenever later I dusted off Beautiful Opal (renamed the bike last night in a dream) and leaned my torso over the frame and rolled on to the seat.

Lost my watch somewhere in a bag I haven't unpacked yet so I couldn't tell you the time whatsoever hahaha.

Past the post staring at a bug and leaned a soft right nudge onto Manning. Looked at the sky.

Didn't feel too much like pedaling so I centered my gravity and relaxed. A few gentle pedal taps and I was at the lights.

Waved at a very slow fiddle-farting dipsy-dude-ler as he ran the light the other way, hampering the mellow of a family of pedestrians. No Problem. I waited just a little longer in the sun and was on my merry way in

ONE POINT FIVE SECONDS

SCREAMED OUT OF THE M/D INTO A TIGHTLY PACKED HERD OF CARS (C-HERD)

HAMS SHOT LIKE AN ACE FROM A PRO TENNIS RACKET
AT EVERY TURN OF THE BOTTOM BRACKET
TURNED ON PALMERSTON AT 359 DEGREES
RUINED ON MY SKINNY JEANS: THE KNEES

MUSCLES IN MY FACE CLENCHED UP LIKE ROCKS
FEELING FLAMES ON THE TOES OF MY SOCKS
"PUMP THE HANDLEBARS ON THE DOWNHILL!"
I SCREAMED THROUGH Q/P STOPLIGHT - HIGH AND SHRILL

DEEP IMPACTED BLACK OPS (NAME CHANGED BACK) IN A CRATER
ONE AWAY FROM THE ULTIMATE POLE HUGGING TRAITOR
U-LOCK THE POLE? TWO CABLES ON THE RING?
OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT WANT TO USE THAT THING

Down - 0:05:06 - Some comeback

2009-07-06T17:17:00.001-04:00

I don't even want to talk about it. What a pathetic time. Even worse, the "tune-up" that I had on Black Ops was more of a "Tune-down". The gears are slipping like crazy and I am frustrated beyond words. Grunts must suffice.

I hit every light and got stuck behind the DIPSIEST of doodlers at every turn. Each sliver of open road I saw was then blocked by garbage or a ped or the doodlers.

I can't imagine the Up time will be any PB.

On the upside. TWO DAY WORK WEEK.

Toronto City Workers Strike: Three solutions

2009-07-04T10:58:00.001-04:00

SOLUTION ONE:

OK quick math. How much is the city saving per week on wages during the strike?

Let's say there are 24,000 workers and they make a median salary of $30,000. This seems low to me but listen, I don't know the real numbers I am just surmising.

24,000 × $30,000 = $720,000,000 per year or $13,846,153.85 per week.

$13,846,153.85 per week ÷ $2,000 =

6,923 $2,000 per week raises.
or blah blah blah
27,692 $500 raises per week.

Ok that covers all the workers.

Will you please return to the job for an extra $6,000 per year? No? OK, fine. What about:

two weeks = your new salary is $42,000
three weeks = your new salary is $48,000
four weeks = your new salary is $54,000 - you have almost doubled your salary!!

But Dorph, that is just one year, what about the future?

SOLUTION TWO:

$13,846,153.85 per week saved not paying your salary. Let's say you stay off the job for two months generating a cool $110,769,230.80 saving to the city.

The city takes your ONE HUNDRED AND TEN MILLION DOLLARS and invests it for you at 4%, and every year it makes 4,430,769.23

Each year you could take your $184.61 dividend and when you retire, you get an awesome $4,615.38 cheque! Or, if you work forty years, you can bank your $184.61 and walk away at retirement with a tasty $10,153.68.

SOLUTION THREE:

C'mon guy, just go back to work.

Race Fever: I feel it even when sleeping

2009-07-04T10:11:00.000-04:00

RACE FEVER

Great news!

2009-07-02T20:22:00.002-04:00

Got Black Ops from the shop and everything is smooth yet tight. No clicks or buzzes. Can't wait for Monday to 'mute the nuts off of it.

There will only be four commutes until July 14. We are going to Vermont.

My batteries are in my hams

2009-07-02T11:32:00.002-04:00

OK, after a week of thinking and sleeping on it, here's the very short version of How It Went:

I am riding my bike down a busy Toronto two lane street. An e-bike is swerving back and forth, trying to squeeze in between the two cars in the lanes, then back over into the unofficial bike lane between the row of parked cars and the traffic stream.

me: You've got to decide if you're a vehicle or a bike!

e-biker: Bikes are vehicles. You don't know much about the law!

Ok. I meant to say "car", not "vehicle." That was the 'dorphs talking. I wanted you to stop changing lanes in front of me, or at the very least, stop ringing your electric horn when a car doesn't let you scoot up between the two lanes of traffic. I did not want to engage you in a discussion of road rules and regulations and classifications and unwritten vs. written law/ spirit of vs letter of the law. I just wanted to be able to predict your behaviour.

Down - 0:22:33 - I legged, the pavement begged

2009-07-02T11:30:00.001-04:00

Past the post from a dead start and strolled south for the winter (or should I say work day). Wanted to catch up with a pretty fast marcher down the way, so I leaned forward, centered my pelvis and peeled my feet off the floor like a textbook chi-walker. I leaned. The world blurred.

He turned right at the lights and vanished, leaving me with nothing but a flat three minute Manning to Dundas walksprint time.

Listen, scroll back, c'mon guy. I don't have Black Ops. It it is in the shop for a warranty tune up, which I hope means "you put the bike together in your store. I bought it. I rode the nuts off of it and now it's loose as hell, so tighten it UP please and fix that cassette gear cable guide thanks!"

Black Ops was begging for it, literally: PLEASE HELP. EVERYTHING LOOSE. NEED AIR COMPRESSED TORQUE MACHINES.

So I walked. Hahahahaha I know! so boring right? So slow and so so boring. Not even! I was able to listen to the entire 0:12:20 slowed down version of Through the Fire and Flames by Dragonforce. Listen, I do not in any way shape or form condone or endorse the child's games of Rock Band or Guitar Hero. I know this song is from one of those games, yes, but they simply play it too fast. It is unlistenable trash UNLESS you slow it down 40% in Audacity (your free audio editor). After slowing, it is an anthem of unimaginable force. For walking there is no better song IN HISTORY.

Picking up B.O. tonight near six o'clock. If I get any grief for missing my "bike pick-up appointment" of 5pm I am gonna snap.

Down - 0:04:15 - The Filet Mignon of 'mutes

2009-07-01T09:41:00.002-04:00

Stopped and started writing this down post a hundred times yesterday, then all hell broke loose and work exploded into a frenzy of screams, then left the draft on my work computer sprinting away from the loud shrieks.

As you can tell by the time, it was a fast ride, and as it happened, it was stopless. The only item of note I can remember from the lost draft is an impromptu race I had on the Adelaide-S with a pretty fit dude on an olde style raycing byke with those curly handlebars. Ha Ha I lapped him.

Also, the Up 'mute was 45 minutes or so, due to dropping Black Ops at the b-shop for a warranty tune-up. I will be bikeless for Canada Day.

0:27:34 - Drizzling and Shopping

2009-06-29T22:27:00.002-04:00

Listen, I know what you are thinking. "The weather was cool, he probably got scared of the rain." You are wrong. I went to some local Organic shops for ingredients to cook Dorphinette a beautiful dinner.

Listen, if you can buy organic meat, just go do it. Stop messing around.

Sometimes, commutes are long and lazy. Full of local shopkeeps scolding you for not bringing a cloth bag and hippies talking about how they had a recent dream about "smashing" in response to an unfortunate young man who had cut his arm on a broken window. Dude, that is sooo...ooo weird. Listen, I know dreams are vivid and wonderful. Dreams are what your brain does late at night when it is yearning for the dorphs.

I rolled home and fired up the stovetop, focussing my energies on coaxing subtle flavours out of the nutritious and sustainable commodities. An hour later, we were delicately forking tender stews, chewing each mouthful to utter submission. Personal best: stew.

0:04:05 - The Rules Just Changed

2009-06-29T09:10:00.002-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen this was fast. Windsock was limp and still cool to the touch when I emerged from the garage. This was a good sign of things to come. Had to reset the chrono from 0:59:45. Uphill power sprints. Yesterday. Zeroed it out and shifted to the "Start" button.

Past the post with little or no problems.

Manning was looking clean save a truck load of drywall that the forklift driver had smashed onto everywhere. Escaped him and lived. Ok, so the manning lights killed 40 seconds. (check this time, then check the down PB then do the math).

One green particle of light hit my retina and all hams were engaged to the limits. I hauled it down Dundas, dropped like a bomb down Palmerston, and got 50% speed through Q/P lights. Checked the chrono 3:15.

Beautiful S-curves of distilled science rained upon the earth.
Mitchell was a smudge in my peripheral vision field.
Adelaide was like it never existed.
Next thing I know, I was standing
next to the 'pop.
Panting like an escaped zoo animal.
Hands clenched in ropey fists around the brake levers.

I checked the chrono,

recalled the old PB,

did the math:

NEW PERSONAL BEST

Up - 0:06:45 - Post-burg energy plus a stop-n-chat

2009-06-25T21:03:00.001-04:00

Late night 'mute due to spa opening. Dorphinette and I went and mingled for a pleasant while, then high-stepped it to the burger joint for noshing. Let the organic meat settle for a few minutes, then she hopped on the TTC and I demolished the pedals and crank of Black Ops for a solid six minutes.

Huge thunder showers calmed the heat down a bit, enabling me to really test the limits of this new haircut. Turns out my hair held precious little power: it was the heat all along.

Launched into action and soon the wind was whistling past my head like back draft from a stealth bomber engine. Leaned deep into the Tecumseth corner and put my head down and each pedal strike was like a blacksmith's anvil blow.

When I opened my eyes, I was at the Queen lights. Drenched in the sweat of the righteous. Waiting at the lights, this overdorphed show-off ran the lights like a tough guy, but misjudged the speed of the oncoming cars and had to do this little hoppity-skippety jump which made him look like an awkward little boy. "Smooth out dude" I thought.

The light changed and I pounced. It's difficult to dorph out on the peds when you're turning a corner, but I find maximum speed to be a worthwhile payoff.

Very solid The Climb. More solid than it's been since the hotness started. I jammed my hams into the ground and felt my bottom bracket groan under massive G-forces.

I was fully dorphed when I topped out at the D, but a "YO! DORPH!" snapped me back into reality and I recognized a friend across the street.

I crossed Dundas, hopped the curb deftly and stopped for a chat.

"THIS IS PANT PANT CUTTING INTO MY TIME. PANT PANT. IT'S NOT GOING TO BE A PERSONAL BEST PANT PANT PANT. GOOD TO SEE YOU, BYE!!!!!" I screamed and was on my way.

Claremont was a sweet dream covered in cream. Danced around the terribly maintained pavement and was home and in my cut off shorts before I knew it.

Down - 0:04:48 - These Jeans are making me Humid

2009-06-25T20:50:00.001-04:00

Spent a pre-dawn hour in my local park running, doin' 'shups, biking. Just feeling it you know? Body Sensing.

Knew it was going to be a hot one, so of course I layered on the thick high-thread count winter tshirts and double-ply overshirts as is the correct fashion for 40°C. So much for that Body Sensing.

Past the post and KNEW I was never going to come close to a new PB, but in this heat? You know the answer. I just rode.

Down Manning at a relaxed clip. Slow acceleration is the key when you want to avoid the dorphsweats. Clean no-stop through the M/D lights and tapdanced down Dundas to Palmerston like performance art.

Quick zip down Palmerston to the Q/P / Q/T lights and used utter savvy to time the lights so as to not break my massive strides. Like a weasel through a hole.

Decelerated around some stride-impaired peds crossing Palm. C'mon guys do some web research into walking with a purpose. Palm Ave was a speed monster. Down to the lights in literally seconds. Caught the light at the worst possible time and chilled for a while.

I have been confusing Robinson with Richmond. Please excuse me.

Richmond intersection was deserted like I like it. Powered through. Powered past Mitchell and ground the 'sphalt to fine powder turning on to Adelaide. Swooshed a dainty s-curve and was at the pop in a repectable time. Sweet #2 was fully committed but the North pole was mine for the taking. Great ride, Dorph.

Up - 0:05:51 - Hot Winds

2009-06-24T19:34:00.002-04:00

32°C with the humidex. I don't want to boil my hams in my jeans, so of course I didn't have a slamfest on the pedals.

Gears and cassettes were smooth today. I checked the torque required on the back wheel nuts and felt like I was way under in my previous tightenings. Fixed without a hassle.

Mounted Black Ops and waited what seemed like forever for a space to open up in the South stopped traffic, but ultimately legged it down the sidewalk and joined the Westerners.

There was a woman standing on the road laughng into her smartphone without a care in the world, easily passed. Tecumseth came and I arched up the pipe without a whisper. The wind felt cold, but my hams were heating up big time.

Up to Queen without incident or noteworthy happening. There is a different energy in the Up 'mutes. Guess the Queen streetsters are tired and dehydrated after their work.

My mind said "DORPH IT!" at The Climb, but I levelled off at medium intensity and cooled it. No stop at the D, diagonal across and out to Clare.

A left turner was slowly approaching the D/C intersection and finally after ten minutes he turned. Then he slid across as I was trying to pass him and almost pinned me against the curb. I did not ring my bell because that is only for emergencies. I never ring my bell. I just dealt with it plain and simple. I braked and went up his other side, easy as pie, no glance or yelling.

Hometime at 0:05:51 with a bit of sweat glistening. Time to cook some chicken, guy.

Down - 0:4:48 - Summer Livin'

2009-06-24T09:21:00.001-04:00

Again, I am not so amped about arriving at my desk a sweat-covered, 'dren-drunk animal. The last two are fine, but not sweat-covered. It's summering up well around the 'mute-route and due to the garbage strike, it smells a little bit. Listen, I don't know who to root for in this mess, so I am just here to report the facts. There was a slight whiff.

Past the post cleanly, relaxedly and silently. Problem #1: M/D lights were red but I saw no transition. This one was going to be a guessing game. Problem #2: there as a line-up. Ten cars maybe, all funneling through a parked car on one side of the street, and a parked jerk on the other side. Bottlenecked.

I followed my mantra, and hot-stepped it. Along the right side was wide enough to go 1/4 speed, still red. Around the sixth or seventh car the light switched. Who cares about the heat, I ground my pedals to food-grade elemental iron powder. took my lane and coasted down Manning around the school and was at the Q/P lights in one seamless, cambering swash.

Didn't mind waiting at the Q/P for a little while. There were some cement trucks doing some pouring, and who doesn't like to watch that?

The regular drivers at T/Rob all met a Timid Terrence at the stop sign. He made a full stop (hahaha, was my first time seeing it), and he swung his poor neck left and right, then again and again. I think he was waiting for a wave from everyone. "Hi!" I waved.

Turned to Adelaide and all seemed rosy. A few cars in my lane but they were no problems, everyone was doing what they should, and definitely using their signals as they oughta. Listen, it's a smooth right turn down the street. To get to the office building parking lot one need only continue turning in this smooth imperceptible arc and you are at the lot gate.

Guy, I was staring at your signaling lights waiting to be signaled as to your intentions. I saw a solid colour, so I used that info to predict the movement of your car. Apparently I got some bad intelligence because you did the opposite. Oh wait, it's you who got the bad intelligence in your skull. Sorry about what I yelled.

Goat Path was a breeze - it was early. Middle ringer was taken. Feels like three in a row. North was empty though, and I strung up Black Ops for the day. There should be umbrellas on these lollipops. This bike is gonna fry.

Up – ?:??:?? – I took it easy, needed juice

2009-06-23T18:09:00.004-04:00

Didn't even wear the chrono on the ride. Too hot for wrist jewelery. Too hot to dorph it whatsoever. Just cruised. Sometimes you gotta just cruise on a sunny afternoon. What is happening to me? I think I need to glue that wig back on my skull. I am getting soft.

Whatever. I am defrosting chili so deal.

0:04:48 - Easy as Pie

2009-06-23T17:20:00.002-04:00

Ran 6.25 km then biked ten or twelve km just for fun, oh and I was woken up by thirty twenteenagers on the roof across the alley at 5am. They were waiting for the sun to rise on another day of their terrible lives. When it came, they cheered things like "I'M ON A BOAT!" and other things from the internet. Then they sat around drinking from vodka bottles until 6:30 and yelling the word "FACEBOOK" literally every two minutes. I also heard a young man say "laugh all you want, but THAT just HAPPENED" as if he just discovered a secret of the universe face down on a roof.

Some cassette slippage at Yonge and Bloor - 2.5 km home. Flipped Black Ops the bird and pedaled home slowly. Then readied myself for the commute.

After a brief wrench-session, B.O. was in full effect and steaming to get out there and really mingle with the tarmac. Day two of the garbage strike and the streets were ok around us, but hhave heard reports of dumping in parks already. Listen you animals, if you can't hang on to the odd bag of garbage for even one week of your lives you are hopeless. To whom are you sticking it when you roll a g-bag down the hill on to the b-diamond? The city? the strikers? No, you are sticking it to yourself, and "it" equals a tattoo reading "I Don't Care." Keep it together. Do you know what that means??

Still do not feel confident gunning it on this weak gearbox. Haven't had a chance to get it in to the shop due to terrible business hours and closed on Sunday. Listen, open on Sundays.

Still managed to soft-pedal my way into the memories of a few through my quintessential grace.

Dundas was Satan's Maze: sun-blinded, coffee-drunk drivers, garbage-mad, sun-blind lolly-pedders and me. a black, blue and tanned line from point a to point b. I have been told that watching me ride is like trying to catch a floater in your eye.

Palmerston was fast but not rushed. Slingshotted down the hill but relaxed too. Robinson was nuts with shortcut-taking planet ruiners. Not cool dude.

Short rest at Q/P lights. Thought about the drunk barely-not-teenagers lying on the roof of the house over the way and felt bad, sad and mad. Next steps? Call their mommies.

The green light not only told my body to go, but also the bad thoughts should "go" from my head.

Beautiful s-curve through to Adelaide and a smooth mounting of the Goat Path. Many apologies to the Daisy Basket in the traffic lane who thought I was joining up and dinged an indignant and justified salute to my hi-definition supercross knee-turn.

'pop trouble again. Only one spot left - next to a pole hugger. Here is a desirable PDF resource: HOW TO LOCK UP YOUR BIKE

Up - 0:08:03 - Went to the bank

2009-06-23T09:13:00.004-04:00

I believe my hair had some powers. But not much. True, I would strut around tossing My hair back often. Now I can forget about it and concentrate on the 'mute.

The local popo are doing a bike safety blitz right now, and some poor no-helmet was getting a ticket for something as I unlocked from the pop. Had to turn Black Ops over on the knoll and wrench out the back wheel. Stupid cassette cable guide was slowly turning up to meet the chain again.

!!! HELP ME SHELDON BROWN !!!

That is the only I was able to find tech specs for this Nexus 8. You saved my bacon, Shel.

Anyway, my precious 'dorphins are being squelched by this constant annoyance.

Loosened the back wheel and set things right.

As legally as possible (popo was eyeballing every ripple of my muscles) I joined the southbound traffic stream. When I was out of range, I gunned it right and was out of there. Or I would have been. Slipped a gear on take off and planted a foot in front of the pedal. Very embarrassing.

Recovered well and tried In vain to predict these stupid gears. Found a stride and gingerly mashed it.

Tecumseth turn was a right on red infront of a surprised stopper and a daydreaming dilly-dallier. Haircut made me take it easy. I enjoyed the ride. Not confident in my machine to kick it up any notches. Sad really.

Stopped and went to the bank.

The Climb was heavy and fast. People stared. Everything else was gravy. Not a special ride.

Down - 0:5:23 - Samson's Wig?

2009-06-22T11:56:00.004-04:00

Past the post and achieved cruising altitude within seconds. M/D was green so I knew there would be maybe an 8-10 second wait as the light turned green the second time around. Used this rare calm to admire the weather which was, at that very second, so perfect.

Snap back to reality: whoops: here comes gravity. I was at the lights. Nine seconds later I was through the lights, performing an abrupt left just behind a mope-ped and heaved hams on the silver footclaws.

It's fair to assume you realize I rewrite old commute blog posts all the time and that you're reading from beginning to end each day twice. I am not scared of changing history. Print it all out and read it on the beach.

Dundas was teeming but a sliver of light appeared in the not-bike lane and was struck with a thought "hey man, take it easy. You don't need to mash it. Just relax this morning and chill. Take in the scenery. Enjoy the last day of clean streets for a while" "what the hell am I thinking" I thought. Is my will-to-dorph being sapped at the moment? I did not feel the urge to give the peds a licking. Then it hit me.

Haircut. I cut it right to the skull on the weekend. What if my lustrous mane held the powers of Dorph? I didn't have time to find out because I was overcome by some hedges coming up. So nicely trimmed! Shake it off. You can do both at the same time.

The Q/P lights caught me at the worst possible time, but I sat there and relaxed for a while, letting the warm sun kiss my fully-sunscreened face. The light turned green and I pedaled through. Robinson was a full-on party. It was like club land down there. Four peds, one turning car, one regular car and some incidentals. I Had To Stop - The Unbelievable Story of Dorph.

Mitchell was another stunner. One school bus turning in front of me plus a surprise dipsy-dootler using the bus as cover. Did a modified S-curve to get back into the pavement groove I've been buffing for a few weeks.

Another bus? What is this some kind of joke? There was no room to move and I wasn't getting in between old yellow and the curb. I hopped it up to the sidewalk and used Upper Goat Path (despite the tree roots) to get to the l........to the lol........

Someone was in my spot. "No worries" I said. "People ride their bike more when the weather gets good." Listen, I think it's great you dusted off the old Dutch cruiser with front and bag double baskets and all sorts of springloaded clamps and hooks. Shouldn't I be rewarded for my year-round biking?

There was one spot left out of six available at the 'pops, and it was close enough for country music.

CCM Riptide: status unchanged

Up - 0:06:07 - Q/P Torture Lights 2

2009-06-19T20:28:00.004-04:00

You read right. Got caught at those lights again on the way up.

Good accel down King to Tecumseth. Rush hour Friday I don't like. Every underground parking lot was throwing out multiple cars en route to the highways and by-ways. These men and women are only used to looking at the horizon when they drive. Not great in the mess. Evaded them with a smile.

Two slow-starters using their pedals as if they were made of beautiful porcelain at the new green. Lost my arc braking around their unpredictable wobbles. Shook it off and darted up the T as fast as my bruised hams would allow. Even bruised, these hams deliver.

Parked it at Q/P with deja vu. Tick tock. This light honestly. Twice in one day? I would bribe a city official for an Ambulance Sensor.*

Crossed the ped walk to avoid the left turning cars, it greened up nicely and I disappeared.

Nice arc at the entrance to The Climb and I micro-adjusted in my seat to be in the correct position for maximum downward thrust. Took a deep belly-breath and started shooting hamdarts.

Then it got interesting. Who was this guy who just turned up Euclid? Nice bike, pretty good hams. Listen, all I am saying is that his hams were about as beefed as mine.

He jammed it. He was Climbing. He was fast. He darted ahead and geared up fast. 21 gears is fine for some, but seven gears is just a little more dorphed don't you find? He found out. I gained on him and broke the tape at Dundas just ahead of him. Me panting wildly and him breathing comfortably.

Found a spot to wait for the cross (always dodgy, but more so this Friday rush). A nice gap opened up and I was through, greened it past D/M and carved a contour into the asphalt. No white van made this turn a treat.

Claremont was just another breakaway. Past the post at 0:06:07.

Red CCM: still there, although I now see that it's red and blue.

*just an expression

Down - 0:4:58 - Q/P Torture Lights

2009-06-19T10:38:00.002-04:00

Warmed up Black Ops at dawn and massaged the knocks out of the gearbox in prep for the 'mute. 45 minutes later, we are one solid black steel organism bombing Christie St, practically skydiving.

After a great breakfast etcetera (Listen, you want to watch people live their lives on a webcam sure, but not here.) I was in the garage with Black Ops and the tires were still smoking. I am reclaiming B.O. as a short form so get over it.

Clean out of the garage and past the post, pressing the chrono-start button silently.

Cool and sunny mornings like this one give rise to early summer feelings of Road Bliss. I was sunscreened and ready.

Boom, smack into: Manning was a disaster. The green lumber place had some trucks backing up into the road. This I don't like. Five cars backed up all the way to the abandoned school fence. There was plenty of room to the right of them so I took it. The truck cleared off and mister first-in-line was ready on the gas pedal or wasn't really. I passed him cleanly and swept across M/D like a jai alai serve.

A few Moseying madelines on Dundas but they were dealt with pleasantly and politely. Knee almost touched the ground turning on to Palmerston.

Full speed achievement down P then a yellow light at Q/P smashed my mind. I stopped. Revved. To the max.

The light was over one minute. I watched the tenths and hundredths of seconds fall into history and with each millionth: one tear. GREEN LIGHT. But I was still in Meaty 8th. Ridiculous. Tapped the index lever five times and fell deep into the pocket.

Robinson intersection: an electric bike. Ok listen, kudos for you if you got your car off the road and I'm sad if it meant you had to experience any sort of monetary life change for the worse. But, surely, SURELY you recognize that your sit down electric scooter with luggage compartments and AM/FM radio is a motorized vehicle. I know what you are thinking. "But my e-bike is too slow for the car lane!!!" I agree! It is also too slow for the bike lane! And too wide! AND TOO UGLY.

I don't even want to start thinking about e-bikes and Vespas locked to lollipops. Long story short: c'mon guy.

Mitchell brings nothing to the party. Next Perfect Arc.

My Perfect Adelaide Arc was beginning to take shape. One deep right turn then a quick even deeper left turn and I am surveying the mouth of Goat Path and widening my stance for the ride down the mouth of the beast. I slow considerably and peek down: mother, stroller, one child, two child. I dismount. What is more macho than that? Nothing.

Walked a few metres past them and remounted, coasted to the lolly in a respectable 0:04:58.

Red CCM Riptide: has not moved.

Up - 0:04:48 - With a Gimped Out Bike? You Can't Complain.

2009-06-18T19:20:00.007-04:00

Determination was my middle name today. After a very hectic day (thanks a lot ROB) I was itching to get on Black Ops and punish my hams. I knew it would give me a hassle. With a top gear of Power 6th I knew The Climb would be a slow one. No human can windmill their legs that fast readers.

Waited at the starting line for the traffic to clear up a bit. This is a legal move. Red CCM: still there. No response yet from craigslist ad. Tonnes of Car Slaves turning right on to Bathurst. Listen, I know this intersection is a pain and totally annoying. But do you think that because the Eastbound cars gets an advance green, you West turners think you get to jump the ped crossing? What? Get real. I put myself out there when I see the tell-tale signs of a Westie trying something smart. What is this? Some Ped-blog? BACK TO BIKES.

Turned onto Bathurst and burned it with glee to Tecumseth, taking the outside of some P.Cruiser on this huge steel lounge chair of a bike. Had to Brake hard so these three sleepwalkers could cross the road at 1.5 miles-per-day. Straight up Tecumseth at a good clip. Straight through the Q/P lights and left I went.

The Climb was just like I thought. Ran up into the Gimped out top gear way too soon, but decided "better fast than slow" and swung my legs around the crank at 2000 RPM and made it to Dundas in about five seconds. Legs were burning pretty hard so I decided to give them a little rest, oh wait I mean go so much harder and faster than ever.

Past the post at 0:04:48 and dropped my leather off, then went to the grocery store. Bought soda water, chicken soup and bread.

LATER THAT NIGHT:

I restrung the gears and got rid of Stupid 1st. So now the gears go:

Baby 2nd
Attaboy 3rd
Fancy 4th
Cruise 5th
Power 6th
Solid 7th
Meaty 8th

I am satisfied with this gear string. FOR NOW. Things change. You know?

Down - 0:05:38 - First Wet Time so NEW PB!!!

2009-06-18T17:34:00.001-04:00

OK so it was drizzling a little bit there guys. That doesn't mean you have to give up your bikes and ALL drive your cars down my roads. Come on let's keep it real.

Long story short: I fixed that gear cable and she didn't move this morning even through the slop, but I seem to be missing some gears. The meaty 8th and solid 7th are gone. I was spinning like crown and anchor out there.

Forget this. Today is not worth mentioning. Nothing super exciting happened.

OK so the red Supercycle on my lollipop is not a Supercycle at all, but a CCM.

Attention:

1. If you have a red CCM bicycle and you park it outside the dry cleaners at K/B, someone has somehow failed cut your worthless dollar store cable lock. You need a new lock!

2. if your red CCM mountain bike has been stolen, it seems to have been abandoned outside the dry cleaners at K/B. Here: http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/laf/1227460249.html

THOUGHT:

I fear the garbage strike.

Found my receipt

2009-06-17T19:32:00.001-04:00

I am going to take advantage of the bike shop's free tune-up with purchase to get this gear cable problem sorted out. Just FYI.

Up - 0:12:45 I could see the Failure all day and it Hurt

2009-06-17T17:55:00.006-04:00

I knew my gear cable was screwed. I even went to the bike shop at lunch to get a look see. They don't "do" internal hub stuff because it's not pro. I know that. I know all of this.

Even with the cable failure I rode slowly from the lollipop to The Climb. I knew the chain would not be damaged by a little high gear fixie-style road mastering. Did I mention it is pouring rain? My leathers are wet, but I don't mind when they get wet, because I bought them when I was a mountain of a man, and the more shrinkage I can soak into the coat, the better. What would happen if you put wet leather in the dryer on max temp? Google this later.

I dismounted on Euclid and settled in to the speedwalking. Of course I got so bored so fast. Decided to do a little scootering. Planted my right foot on the left ped and pushed off with my left foot. I was getting massive amounts of speed, surely faster than wakling and maybe even faster than running. I continued until I felt a burn in my right ham, but stopped because I don't want to build the muscles unevenly.

Legged it across Dundas and scootered a bit more up Manning.

Pretty uneventful, but absolutely smashed my previous broken-bike time to dust.

Down - 0:05:38 - Take it Easy

2009-06-17T08:52:00.005-04:00

Hey, I'm not apologizing to anyone for my time today. Yesterday I ate some saltines, some noodles and an almond. PLUS I had another gear failure of the same type as UP/MONDAY JUNE 16. Ridiculous.

Anyway, Starting line was pretty clean and I was just getting down to some light pumping (decided to not pummel my hams so hard this morning) when a cabbie rolled to a stop at the T ahead. I waved him on so I wouldn't have to lose any speed as I ran the stop sign, but he got confused and sat there for a while, then waved me on for some reason. Too late. I had already dropped my speed, so what's the point?

Just made the M/D light as the countdown faded, but I wasn't burning it up so it wasn't that impressive. Felt a slight churn in the gutworks, so I slowed my pace. I don't want any streetbarfs.

Lazy turn on to Palmerston and just enjoyed the ride. Didn't leave the house (the couch) yesterday so it was good to feel the dirt in my face again.

Stopped at the Q?P lights and heard the DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH sound and cursed loudly.

Coasted a bit, then scootered the beast to the lollipop (available). This red Supercycle has been parked on the other side of my spot for ages. I wonder if it's been dumped.

SIDE STORY:

Listen, I am not bragging, but I went to Wilfrid Laurier University. I went for a tour when I was in high school, and one thing that caught my eye was this rusted POS bike locked to a rack outside a residence. Long story short: that stupid bike was there FIVE YEARS LATER so I went out with a hammer and smashed the stupid chain lock and dragged the bike to a dumpster. Ridiculous.